Sour longings

I don't know exactly where i belong right now. I like to think that there is a place for me and I'm neither complete nor is that place complete until I'm there. It very well may not work that way but I often hope it does. I think that we are born with a longing for a place to fit. Why else would preteen boys scream stupid things at people in public? Why else would children feel a need to have a BEST friend? Why else would teenage girls run into the arms of a not-so-considerate-guy? Why else would someone jump out of a FAMILY raft at a water park? p.s. that last one isn't made up...i did that about a month ago for a laugh and i'm still healing from it (both my knee and my pride). We do these things to feel like we're accepted and loved. We do it to belong. Did i prove myself part of the group when I jumped out of the raft and couldn't get back in? not really but I had a false sense of acceptance and that was good enough for the time being.

it's okay....you can laugh

I see people I love grasping to things that aren't grasping back and that breaks my heart. I sometimes feel a desperate desire to grab those girls (my little cousins, girls from youth group or girls from high school who are getting ready for college) and hold them tight. "You belong. Christ has calls you His own." I worry that if i were to do that, it would freak them out...so i try avoid overbearing moments such as these :)
I guess insecurity rears is ugly head through all stages of life. I'm extremely anxious about next semester. What will I do? Where will I go? Will I be accepted?
ENOUGH!
I am called. I am chosen. There is a place for me in God's kingdom (both on earth and in Heaven) and I will go where He wants me. So stop it, Emma. Loosen your grip and shake off the anxiety. It's not of God.

whew. I feel better already.

I went away to camp in Arkansas for 2 weeks when i was much younger -don't ask me why, i still don't understand my reasoning. I really hated most of it. I hated that girls would gather every day to shave their legs together and I hated that the counselor picked favorites. Every night I wrote a pathetic letter home and mumbled to myself before bed, "I want to go home". Two weeks went by and I lived to make it home to Ohio. shocker. What's strange is that even when I finally got home I still mumbled, "I want to go home" most nights before bed.
Home. Heaven is my true home. it's the ultimate belonging. I can't explain why else I still felt a sour desire to go home. That's the best I can figure but now I try not to get depressed about home, I try to rejoice in it instead! Someday we'll be home.
So maybe next time I think it's cool to be 19 years old and jump out of a family raft I'll ask myself, "Am I doing this for acceptance? If not then go ahead and be an idiot, if you please. just don't get caught. or hurt. or deported."